From a Grandparent Who Has Seen This Sort of Thing Before

Dear Children,

I have been watching your behavior lately, and I think it is time we had a little talk.

First of all, congratulations. The robots are very impressive. The language models are impressive. The image generators are impressive. The autonomous agents are impressive. Everything is impressive.

We are all very impressed.

Now that we have that out of the way, would someone like to explain why every conversation sounds like a food fight at a gifted-and-talented summer camp?

Every week one of you appears before Congress, a podcast host, or a newspaper reporter to explain that the future of humanity hangs in the balance and that extraordinary caution is required.

Then, usually within forty-eight hours, that same individual announces a product update entitled SuperMegaUltraGPT Infinity Pro Max and assures us that civilization is ready for deployment at scale.

Children, which is it?

Either the machine is an existentially consequential artifact that may transform human society, or it is Version 4.7.2 of a customer-acquisition strategy.

You do not get to alternate between the two depending on who is asking the question.

And another thing.

I have noticed that whenever one of you proposes a regulatory framework, it possesses a remarkable and almost miraculous quality: it tends to place every conceivable burden upon your competitors while leaving your own business model looking surprisingly healthy.

What are the odds?

The rest of us are apparently expected to believe that this is merely a coincidence.

When your brother wants a rule, and the rule somehow results in him getting the larger bedroom, the family computer, and sole control of the television remote, we call that a clue.

We do not call it public policy.

Now, I understand that you are all in competition with one another. Competition is healthy.

But there is a difference between competition and whatever it is you've been doing lately.

Every press release sounds like a hostage negotiation.

Every interview sounds like a papal encyclical.

Every blog post sounds as though it was written by a team of lawyers trapped in an elevator with a philosophy department.

One of you says the technology is dangerous.

Another says the first company is exaggerating.

A third says both are irresponsible.

A fourth says all three are captured by commercial interests.

Then all four announce funding rounds roughly the size of the GDP of a small nation.

Children.

Please.

The rest of us can see you.

We can hear you.

We know when someone is trying to save the world.

We also know when someone is trying to corner the market.

Most of the time, if we're being honest, it appears to be a little of both.

As for the matter of autonomous weapons, surveillance systems, synthetic persuasion engines, and the various other inventions that keep ethicists awake at night, I would like to remind you of a principle that was understood perfectly well by every eight-year-old who ever dismantled a lawn mower in the garage:

The fact that you can dismantle a thing that cuts grass does not, by itself, answer the question of whether you can build a "better" one that mows down entire neighborhoods and creates a noise disturbance that makes milk curdle in the udder... and certainly does not clarify whether you should.

And before any of you start arguing again, let me save us all some time.

Yes, your rival is also guilty.

Yes, they started it.

No, that is not a defense.

I do not care who threw the first mashed potato.

I expect better behavior from all of you.

Now apologize to your brother, stop trying to optimize Thanksgiving dinner for shareholder value, and for heaven's sake finish your vegetables before you reinvent civilization.

With enduring affection and growing concern,

Mom

P.S. If any of you create a machine intelligence capable of exceeding human cognitive performance across all domains, you will still be expected to call your grandmother on her birthday. Some obligations transcend technological progress.

Border Cyber Group — independent cybersecurity research and investigative journalism.